Understanding.

I think I'm terrified by potential, by the possibility of being different.  Of clarifying my version of success.  Of growing up and out and onwards, and stepping into my unknown.  I know that living a life in suburbia won't give me that deep sense of contentment that I search for.  I'm scared because I have so much freedom right now to truly shape my future and it feels daunting.  Once again I'm in that analysis paralysis where I think think think instead of do do do.

I know some things that I want, so maybe it will help to clarify them.
I want health and happiness.
I want to find fulfilling employment.
I want to design a life that has space for excellent food and raising a family.
I want to forever be a student of this world, these people, these experiences.
I want to be humble, curious, grateful, gracious, adventurous.
I want to be able to take long-term approaches to most things.
I want to learn how to farm.
I want to learn.
I want to take people as they are without trying to change them or mold them into someone else.
I want to continually work on myself while realizing that I am good enough as I am.
I want to be fluent in more than one language.
I want to find peace with myself - my decisions, my successes, my failures.
I want to cultivate patience and understanding.

Thank you

So condemning in its honesty.  


http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/john_gatto.html

Hard

...first measly attempts at haiku.  And finding something worthwhile.  I feel horrible with myself and am so critical of everything I do, working so hard to be so much better, so much different, so much less me.  Getting nowhere and can't get out of bed in the mornings, which quickly become afternoons - painful for such horrible reasons. 

10.20.2011

searing eyes critique

valleys pockets folds of mine

the stark nudity

sitting lazy now

another day gone again

why do I do this

soft lonely girl sits

books and flashbacks twirl her mind

healing is too hard

time is a privilege

I have so much of it that

inner demons haunt

Heard.

There is a genre of music called cowpunk.  How wonderful is that?!  A punk-country fusion with one of the most compelling labels I've ever heard.  

(Image from http://www.cowboysindians.com/Cowboys-Indians/June-2010/Cowpunk/)

Choice.

Do you want to make money and impress people with your corner office, $50,000 Mercedes, 4500-square-foot-house, tailored suits, swimming pool, Sun Valley-acquired tan...?  If these are your goals, tuck your kids into daycare, drink your milk of magnesia, and stop simpering about 60-hour work weeks.  You've made your choice.

(Andy Dappen)

System.

New Humanitarian had standard subjects, like history and math, and Danya had many hours of homework a week. But Bogin added courses like antimanipulation, which was intended to give children tools to decipher commercial or political messages. He taught a required class called myshleniye, which means “thinking,” as in critical thinking. It was based in part on the work of a dissident Soviet educational philosopher named Georgy Shchedrovitsky, who argued that there were three ways of thinking: abstract, verbal and representational. To comprehend the meaning of something, you had to use all three.

When I asked Bogin to explain Shchedrovitsky, he asked a question. “Does 2 + 2 = 4? No! Because two cats plus two sausages is what? Two cats. Two drops of water plus two drops of water? One drop of water.”

From there, the theories became more complex. In practice, though, the philosophy meant that Bogin delighted in barraging children with word problems and puzzles to force them to think broadly. It was the opposite of the rote memorization of the Soviet system.

(Clifford J. Levy

exerpt from "My Family's Experiment in Extreme Schooling"

NYTimes.com)

President.

I really believe that if every American spent about ten minutes on this website, What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far, we would be less prone to irate outbursts of hatred and following others' condemning opinions like docile little sheep.  I mean, come on!  The man is a legislative powerhouse. 

Taken as single accomplishments, I can easily understand why his political efficacy can be challenged.  I mean, who cares about reversing the "global gag rule" to allow U.S. aid to organizations regardless of whether they provide abortions?  I don't have a job, I need money, and the economy is pretty far from ideal at the moment.  The global gag rule is not really of primary concern in my life at the moment.

Taken not even as a whole (that would be too overwhelming for me), but in many bite-sized tidbits provided by What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far, it is clear to me that our President prioritizes a lot of values that I myself hold dear.  And he has tirelessly worked to put those values, goals, and ideals into action through legislative change. 

Some of the feats are almost unimaginable - like giving the FDA the authority to regulate the manufacturing, marketing, and sale of tobacco for the first time (Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act), or improving average fuel economy standards (35.5 mpg starting in 2016).

I worked on the campaign in 2008, but I am not a die hard supporter of Obama.  In my opinion, he needs to prove himself over and over - the presidency certainly isn't a position that allows for inaction.  By frequently investigating the man and his work, however, I remain assured that he is acting with the best interests of ALL Americans in mind.  And I really, really like his grassroots funding and insistence on transparency.  

Also check out Recovery.gov and Serve.gov for two thought-provoking websites (brought to you by our President).

renewables

"There is only one effective, sustainable way to produce “green jobs,” and that is with a fixed, durable, long-term price signal that raises the price of dirty fuels and thereby creates sustained consumer demand for, and sustained private sector investment in, renewables."

(Thomas L. Friedman

"Is It Weird Enough Yet?"

 NYTimes.com Op-Ed column

September 13th, 2011)

World.

Listening to "Pet Sounds" and thinking about how brilliant people are.

 

Sometimes I try to prevent myself from rediscovering TinyMixtapes.com, but then I accidentally find it again and spend precious seconds minutes hours lifetimes wanting to live, eat, and breathe these people and playlists.  Some favorites....

"My decadence is bigger than yours"

 Hard to go wrong with some Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, Nine Inch Nails, and the Rolling Stones.

"You Say Potato, I Say Get the Fuck on the Dance Floor"

I'm in love.

Ellie Goulding, Brazilian Girls, Biggie, then some Justice, N.E.R.D., The Whip, Justin Timberlake.

"Strippers like good songs, too"

1.  Tom Waits, 2. Norah Jones, 3. Leonard Cohen, 4. Portishead...and we haven't even gotten to Kings of Leon, the White Stripes, or Emiliana Torrini.

"Stop being passive-aggressive and fucking hit me"

The Misfits, Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth, and lots of goodness.

"Music to Write Home About"

Yes yes yes yes YES.  I agree - expect a letter, 'cause I'm writing it.

Sufjan Stevens.  Deertick.  The Clash.  Granddady.  Bright Eyes.  Pavement.  Bob Dylan.

"I wanna fuck my roommate: the story of in-house sexual frustration"

These groups could easily compose a soundtrack to my life.

The Kinks.  Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Feist.  Roy Orbison.  Yo La Tengo.  Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz.  Radiohead.  Mos Def.   

Other notable playlists:

"All I want to do is smoke a blunt, listen to dubstep, and have sex with you"

"I want to strap some headphones on my belly and blare some tunes to get my fetus excited to enter this world"

"Harsh noise guy meets indie pop princess; needs to prove accessible music sensibility"

"I'm a closet christian dying to come out"

"Hipsters, stop acting like you're in hell."

I think if I submitted a playlist request at this moment in time, it might be something like "I want too many things. Like to save the world."

Anyway.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

(Mother Teresa)

mine

my mind is havoc, teasing this scapegoat body that most label as mine

Repeat.

March 12th, 2007

I couldn’t sleep last night. That’s the worst, isn’t it? Lying there, wide awake, with nothing to do except think about how you REALLY should be sleeping right now and how tired you’re going to be in the morning. I know it happens to everyone.
I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about Adam; missing him and the idea of him. Missing having someone to care about like that, to wonder about his days and to leave little insignificant surprises on his desk. I was thinking about how absolutely pathetically desperate I am for that connection. However awful it seems, it almost doesn’t matter who the boy is. That’s terrible, but true. Recently I’ve been falling fast and hard for just about anyone who will reciprocate it, no matter how serious they are about starting something.
Anyways, I wrote three little poems/scribbles/whatevers. Scribbled them in my food journal, which has been woefully neglected recently save for lovesick poems and bold “fuck you”s.

I
I came to you for your long hugs and willingness,
Your twisted sheets and floppy Hair.
I came to you, let you so far in.
We saw what’s real, together.
But now I’ve forgotten
What is real?
This ripping, aching sob?
This jealousy, regret, sadness?
Nothing is real anymore,
not even the floppy hair.

II
We shared.
We shared our favorites, our dreams, our hopes.
We whispered randoms until we fell asleep,
Lips still forming.
We were real, silly and quite weird.

We stopped all that;
It meant nothing to one.
We stopped all that.

III
The cold walk, the sweatpants the anticipation.
The warm room, always music.
The warm boy, the warm voice, the warm guitar.
Touchy soft floppy swishy tangled legs and muffled.
Accepted.
“What do you need?”
ridiculous line drawings, funny only to two.
Two on the inside, two on the inside
Come back! I think we have the same mind…
Calling each other by our first names, our line drawings.
By whispers and gasps
And letting go, sinking into each other, falling,
calm loose soft sleep.
Morning glasses, music, smiles, classes, you made me so late again.
Repeat.

Lucky.

I've started to question- not just raise my hand in class when I don't understand what the professor is lecturing at me, but to really question who I am, what I am a part of, what I know, and how I want to live my life.  I've started to gain a bit more awareness of how my decisions weave into a complicated network of actions and choices and people and lives and futures and truths.  I've begun to see many things differently.  My values, words, activities, and thoughts are very different from what they have been in the past, and will probably continue to shift as I learn and question more in my life.

I'm learning what the phrase ESSE QUAM VIDERI really means (the Latin phrase I first encountered as a member of the Archons at Kenyon College).  It's become very different for me to just wear the phrase on an American Apparel shirt as opposed to actually living it.

I've started to really think about what I value and why I value it and how I incorporate (or fail to incorporate) my values into my day-to-day life.  Maybe I'm up in my head too much, or developing a debilitating guilt complex, or isolating myself, or acting like a crazy liberal college kid out of touch with the “real world,” or beginning to live in a way that doesn't mesh well with other lifestyles and choices.  Maybe I'm doing all of those things, but additionally taking steps to figure out who I am.

I made a list yesterday in the back of my Spanish class notebook titled “Things I Can Do.”  I wrote it mostly to identify things I can do that I am proud of as opposed to things I can do that I either don’t care about or am not proud of.  I made it very quickly.

Things I Can Do

-          boil an egg

-          identify sassafras

-          smile

-          use a spade

-          calm a crying baby

-          do laundry using washing and drying machines

-          sing all the words to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”

-          question

-          manipulate SPSS

-          fix a small issue with a toilet

-          buy a Mountain Dew from a vending machine

-          clean a bathroom

-          navigate the internet

-          break a sweat while sweeping

-          use a Phillips screwdriver

-          read newspapers, street signs, academic journal articles, books…

-          write papers for classes

-          recognize that I am very, very lucky

delighting.

A much more interesting, kind, adven-

turous, and joyful approach to life is to

begin to develop our curiosity, not caring

whether the object of our inquisitiveness is

bitter or sweet.  To lead a life that goes be-

yond pettiness and prejudice and always

wanting to make sure that everything turns

out on our terms, to lead a more pas-

sionate, full, and delightful life than that,

we must realize that we can endure a lot

of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding

out who we are and what this world is,

how we tick and how our world ticks, how

the whole thing just is.  If we're committed 

to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come

up against the least edge of pain, we're

going to run; we'll never know what's be-

yond that particular barrier or wall or fear-

ful thing.

--------------------------------------------------

                          Our wisdom is all mixed

up with what we call our neurosis.  Our

brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is

all mixed up with our craziness and our

confusion, and therefore it doesn't do any

good to try to get rid of our so-called neg-

ative aspects, because in that process we

also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.  We 

can lead our life so as to become more

awake to who we are and what we're doing.

The key is to wake up, to become more

alert, more inquisitive and curious about

ourselves.

--------------------------------------------------

      The point is that our true nature is not

some ideal that we have to live up to.  It's

who we are right now, and that's what we

can make friends with and celebrate.

--------------------------------------------------

In the same way, if we see our sp-called

limitations with clarity, precision, gentle-

ness, goodheartedness, and kindness and,

having seen them fully, then let go, open 

further, we begin to find that our world is

more vast and more refreshing and fasci-

nating than we had realized before.  In

other words, the key to feeling more whole

and less shut off and shut down is to be

able to see clearly who we are and what

we're doing.

           The innocent mistake that keeps us

caught in our own particular style of igno-

rance, unkindness, and shut-downness is

that we are never encouraged to see clearly

what is, with gentleness.  Instead, there's

a kind of basic misunderstanding that we

should try to be better than we already are,

that we should try to improve ourselves,

that we should try to get away from painful

things, and that if we could just learn how

to get away from the painful things, then

we would be happy.  That is the innocent,

naive misunderstanding that we all share, 

which keeps us unhappy.

--------------------------------------------------

Joy has to do with seeing how big, how

completely unobstructed, and how pre-

cious things are.  Resenting what happens

to you and complaining about your life are

like refusing to smell the wild roses when

you go for a morning walk, or like being

so blind that you don't see a huge black

raven when it lands in the tree that you're 

sitting under.  We can get so caught up in

our own personal pain or worries that we

don't notice that the wind has come up

or that somebody has put flowers on the

diningroom table or that when we walked

out in the morning, the flags weren't up,

and that when we came back, they were

flying.  Resentment, bitterness, and holding

a grudge prevents us from seeing and hear-

ing and tasting and delighting.

(Pema Chodron)

Further.

       I just finished this paper for my Sustainability Seminar course and turned it in online. The assignment was intended to be an analytical assessment of the STARS tool, which the seminar was structured around. I started writing the paper and quickly realized that I had more to say than detached observations on the STARS process, which is why the 4-6 page response paper assignment evolved into a personal documentation of my experiences with "sustainability" in general.

Sophie

17 December 2010

Evaluation of STARS as an Educational Tool

MY EXPERIENCES IN THE CAPSTONE SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT SEMINAR

I’ve been a part of the UCCS community for only one semester at this point; however, my experiences here have been surprising, thought provoking, different, and closely aligned with what I want from my college education.  I picked up a minor in Sustainable Development while finishing up my Psychology major, mostly because I have been very concerned with my own (and others’) lack of willingness to adopt sustainable lifestyle modifications.  My academic background at Kenyon College and Colorado College had sparked initial discussions on sustainability-related topics, but I never took a course focused exclusively on sustainable development and lacked a basic understanding of what the buzzword really meant.

I felt like my science background (mainly biology, chemistry, and neuroscience courses, as well as a summer spent researching lateral inhibition and horizontal cell pH fluxes in the vertebrate retina at the Marine Biological Laboratory) were very removed from my sociology and feminist and gender studies courses.  I chose one biology course, “Biodiversity and Conservation,” as a last-minute schedule filler.  I fell in love with the course and my professor—we debated the effectiveness of community-based conservation approaches in regards to native peoples, biodiversity, outsiders, and ecotourists, and I spent hours in his office hashing out ideas and theories.  I ended up writing a nineteen-page final exam—the expected length was around 3-4 pages.  Basically, I was desperately hooked.

My UCCS classes in the Sustainable Development minor have been both academically eye-opening and personally frustrating at the same time.  How is it possible to know what I know, yet to continue living a hugely consumptive and ecologically unjust lifestyle?  I’ve often been unable to sleep at night, which is an incredible feat coming from a narcoleptic.  Every decision I make is a source of internal conflict and unabated guilt.  Who was forced to sacrifice their health, rights, family, land, and/or freedom for me to be able to buy three pounds of bananas at Wal-Mart for $1.00?  I felt paralyzed and unable to make basic decisions for myself.  My friends and roommates stopped asking me to go out to eat or to stop by college parties, knowing that I would decline anyways.  I couldn’t understand how I had frivolously tossed money around in the past, buying J. Crew wardrobes with my employee discount and prioritizing the maintenance of my materialistic lifestyle (which, by the way, would require 6.6 planet Earths to provide enough resources if every person lived like me).

My closest friends didn’t understand why I chose to spend all my time in my room, alone.  My self-imposed “hibernation” became a source of contention, and when I revealed my skepticism and questioned basic institutions with my friends, I was perceived as attacking their core values and beliefs (this was especially true when I was talking with two of my roommates and best friends about marriage).  My closest friends did not want to think about cause-and-effect chains or see my compost container on the kitchen counter.  I felt stuck, so I wallowed alone in my own questions and searched for something to make me feel more in control again.

Although these invasive thoughts were uncomfortable, persistent, and disturbing, I came to understand the importance of my newfound awareness.  Constantly dwelling on the individual consequences of my decisions quickly changed how I spent my money and time, but not substantially enough to quell the intrusive thoughts.  I spent night after night holed up in my room, staring at the ceiling and scribbling notes on whatever was nearby—napkins, bed sheets, front covers of books, my arms, etc.  Why didn’t anyone else get it?  Why was everyone so happy and carefree?  I have always believed that ignorance is bliss; but even when faced with terrifying statistics and catastrophic natural disasters, why did no one seem to care about sustainability?  And why didn’t I let my new and painful awareness lead me towards a truly different lifestyle?

I came to the capstone course in the Sustainable Development minor with very high expectations.  I wanted a basis in theory and enough historical analyses to begin to understand the progression of the sustainability movement.  I wanted to read books and struggle and think and get my hands dirty.  I was sick of feeling completely helpless, out of control, and racked with guilt.  I was looking forward to talking with people who might have experienced similar internal conflicts to learn how they managed to satiate their consciences (or not).  I was about to rip Jiminy Cricket off my shoulder and feed him to my pet rats, not caring about the ever-increasing length of my own Pinocchio nose.

Working on the STARS assessment was a surprise that has culminated in feelings of resentment, a pinch of gratitude, and a bit of apathy.  The capstone seminar seemed very separate from my feelings and previous education concerning sustainable development, which has been very disconcerting.  In the course syllabus, the course is described as “intended to create a unifying conclusion to the minor in Sustainable Development (SUDV) and to ensure that every SUDV graduate is knowledgeable of the basic principles of sustainable development” (1).  Although we went over the three-pronged view of sustainability, I feel strongly that theory, history, and seminal texts were missing from the seminar.  I feel as though a capstone seminar should start broadly and integrate every student into a foundation of knowledge, then delve deeply into one or two important topics.  Although the STARS seminar somewhat followed this trajectory, focusing on a college campus seems limited in perspective.

In a bizarre form of rebellion against the seminar content, I decided to take action to mold my own education and meet my own expectations.  Instead of devoting my time to the STARS assessment, I spent time reading and observing and thinking.  I sat in libraries for hours, walking from section to section and pulling out books that intrigued and scared me.  I focused on introspection, trying to figure out what I am passionate about and what I want to do with my future (what/who do I want to be when I “grow up?”).  I read Environmental Psychology textbooks and the Independent newspaper.  I pulled advertisements off bathroom stalls and bookmarked websites that made me think. 

I learned a lot about myself as a person and a student, but I’m not sure how much of my new knowledge is tied to the STARS assessment.  When I eventually picked up the pace on the assessment and began talking to UCCS faculty and staff, I really enjoyed the experience.  Russ Wilcox, my contact for a credit involving the UCCS campus fleet, was absolutely helpful and kind.  We talked about STARS for a while and he made a helpful matrix to condense information about the campus vehicles, but most of our conversation was a bit off the topic of sustainability.  I learned more about Russ, his family, and his experiences, and told him about my dreams and aspirations.  Russ ended up giving me his business card, telling me to pass it on to my boyfriend Peter.  He offered to serve as a mentor for Peter, who is considering transitioning from enlisted service in the army to a career as a small town cop.

My most valuable experiences with the STARS assessment involved conversations and meetings with other people on campus.  Although I’m a bit of a statistics lover, I rarely experience a wide range of emotions when manipulating a data set.  In contrast, meeting with UCCS faculty and staff enabled me to assign faces to different aspects of campus life.  Even stepping in the Science and Engineering Building reminded me of how much time, work, and collaboration went into every aspect of the design process—taking the building for granted as merely a location for classrooms and destination for prospective student tour groups wasn’t as easy anymore.  Speaking with Rob Dougherty clarified the intentionality of every aspect of the design and construction process—although the data on building square footages was full of disparities. 

The most influential experiences that I’ve had this semester in terms of my SUDV minor have been outside the Sustainability Seminar activities.  I significantly overdrew my meager bank account to attend the AASHE conference in Denver, where I attended a transformative lecture given by Dr. Julian Agyeman.  His conceptualization of “just sustainability” resonated with me—and I’ve been reading his research and looking into his Master’s program at Tufts University.  I also benefitted in a roundabout way from the lecture given by Gretchen Bleiler.  I recited her “pledge” with every other student in the room, stating that I

1)     will not use plastic water bottles

2)     will not accept shopping bags/grocery bags

3)     will not use Styrofoam food containers

(http://www.gretchenbleiler.com/21-day-reusable-challenge/)

After the student summit (and searching desperately for a Chase Bank to cash a small check for food), I walked about a mile on Colfax Ave. to a small Japanese restaurant.  I thought the food might be easy enough to digest, as I was only supposed to be eating white rice, broth, and bananas because of an eventful gastrointestinal virus.  I met a newspaper vendor selling the Denver Voice, and paid him for a copy.  After ordering a small dinner and a good amount of food to sustain me and my virus for a few days, I spent a good long time in the Japanese restaurant.  I poured over the newspaper and learned about the organization and motivation behind the vendor program, and the difference the program has made in many homeless peoples’ lives.  My next actions were definitely not Gretchen Bleiler approved—however, I didn’t mind all that much. 

             On my way back to the Ramada, I ran into a homeless woman who was asking for change to buy some fast food.  I gave her a big container of hot soup and a plastic spoon, and she offered to give me the change she had collected.  After a brief interaction, I continued on Colfax Ave. towards the hotel.  A few blocks later, I met Fred. 

            Like the homeless woman I had spoken with before, Fred was trying to collect some spare change to buy some food.  He was dressed in a huge, torn, puffy black jacket that almost reached to the ground.  My initial reaction upon seeing a very tall black man in a huge coat is worthy of some introspection on my part—however, I quickly realized that Fred was probably pretty hungry.  He asked me if I happened to have any spare change, and I asked him if he would like some of the Japanese food that I had just gotten from down the street.  He seemed a little unsure, and insisted on giving me the change he had collected that night.  I gave him some soup and a few small containers of noodles and tofu dishes, but realized that I didn’t have anymore plastic utensils.  I asked Fred if he wanted to run into a 7-11 with me to grab a spoon and a fork, but he didn’t feel comfortable with the idea.  He waited on a curb while I grabbed a few things in the convenience store.  I bought the biggest water bottle in the 7-11, along with a heated breakfast burrito, protein bar, and some eating utensils.  The store clerk packed it all in a plastic bag.

            I found Fred waiting on the curb—he had almost finished the huge container of soup without a spoon, leaving only a few noodles in the bottom of the plastic container.  I gave him what I had found at 7-11, and then we sat on the curb and talked for a while.  I have never met anyone who is as selfless as Fred.  He didn’t eat anything other than the soup, and when I asked him why, he said he was part of a community of homeless people in the area and that some of his friends would need the food more than him.  He worried about my cough, and insisted on using his collected change to call me from a pay phone in a few hours to make sure I had gotten back to Colorado Springs safely.  He told me something that I intend to incorporate into my core beliefs—he said, “Sophie.  If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.” 

            All I could think about was how this toothless black man, with no home or place to sleep, was more concerned about me than about his own situation.  I felt desperately ashamed and disgusted by my own selfishness.  I was about to hop into a reliable, warm car, fill it up with gas, and drive back to my house in Colorado Springs.  I had spent a few bucks on food for Fred, but he spent his day’s earnings in a phone booth, calling me to make sure I got home safely.

            In a period of a few hours, I violated each and every one of the pledges I had made with the 500+ other students and Gretchen Bleiler.  In no way, however, did I feel any remorse for my environmentally callous decisions.  Dr. Agyeman’s presentation helped realize how integral each tier of the concept of sustainability deserves a huge amount of attention, work, and legislation.  In my mind at this point, refusing to acknowledge the humanity of a homeless person is as detrimental (if not more) to the world as buying a case of plastic water bottles.  The AASHE conference definitely left me feeling hopeful and changed, despite the fact that I had a lot of new things to mull over (and a lot of subsequently sleepless nights).  However, it motivated me to continue my independent education as opposed to crunching numbers for the STARS assessment.

STARS has been an effective tool for me to delve deeper into UCCS management and policies.  However, as a sustainability assessment and learning tool, I think it falls short—at least for a capstone seminar in the Sustainable Development minor.  STARS seems more like a project for a dedicated few students to work on in an independent study, or alternatively for a group of freshman/sophomore students to complete after declaring their Sustainable Development minors.  I undoubtedly learned a great deal about UCCS and the inner mechanics of academic institutions in general; however, I was hoping for a seminar that would enable me to study current issues in depth and maybe even learn different career avenues and life choices to make my future align with my beliefs.  Through my own personal investigations, I have found a deeper level of introspection than I had experienced before.  This newfound awareness was linked with the Sustainability Seminar and the STARS assessment in general; I learned more, however, from taking advantage of opportunities (the AASHE conference, speaking with UCCS faculty, reading many books in the library, picking up trash on my way to class, making my own compost bin, etc.) than from the seminar alone.  The capstone Sustainability Seminar was a building block for me to reinforce my personal interest in the topic, as evidenced by the list I kept in the back few pages of my class notebook, recording concepts, papers, people, and books that I wanted to look into further.

Time.

I've been on a calendar but I have never been on time.

(Marilyn Monroe)

Principles.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

(Ambrose Bierce)

Resources?

It seems a teeny bit silly how satisfied we are with our minds clamped shut to different ideas.  How comfortable it feels to stay within the confined perspective of what we know instead of attempting to learn, even though it's undoubtedly uncomfortable.  I'm no different, but I just hope I can learn to question institutions, to maintain healthy skepticism, and to speak my mind despite accusatory and borderline aggressive opposition....very often from self-labelled "open minded" people.  If we can't question our imaginary cultural production, where will that leave us?  And even though things might be stable and oh-so-happy in our own lives, does that mean that we can continue our lifestyles, even if it comes at the expense of so many lives, rights, ideas, and resources?

Joy.

The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, but indifference. - Richard Lang, artist

Chris Jordan's response:

"For me this means that to live ethical lives, we are called to turn toward the staggering enormity of human-caused catastrophes like the Pacific Garbage Patch and the Gulf Oil Disaster, opening our heart to their horrors, and taking the risk that we might be overwhelmed by the potent feelings this process brings up in us. I can see no other acceptable approach, yet I fear that by dwelling on the awfulness of these tragedies—and the smorgasbord of others we survey in the news every day—we may lose our already tenuous connection with life’s beauty, mystery, humor, and joy."

(chrisjordan.com)